It had finally come for us. After millions of years dormant, abiding the give and take of life and death, he had tolerated us enough. Too many had escaped his grasp. You might remember his embrace from right before your first memory, the sweet nothingness or nonexistence. Now it was back: Abyssion, Bringer of the Void.

It was a Saturday like any other. I was having a relaxing afternoon lunch on the beach with my wife, eldest son, and younger daughter, when we noticed that the tide had not brushed our feet softly as it had moments before. That’s when I looked up into the sky and saw him, Lord Abyssion, Deliverer of Darkness and Lord of Nothingness, looming above. So large was the beast that all that was visible in the sky was a single black eye—

How could we see it if it was covering the sun? What do I look like, a scientist? Go ask NASA.

Where was I? Ah yes, I stood on that beach, staring up at that one giant black eye that gazed intently upon the souls that had escaped him. Ocean water drifted leisurely up into the sky, hearkening towards the master that had come to call all back into itself. The eye blinked.

I didn’t blink back. I looked at my wife and told her I loved her, then ran towards the parking lot. My children called after me, but now was not the time for hesitation. I planted my feet one after another into the unsure sands with one destination in mind: the bathroom. Dear reader, I hear it already, “Coward! How could you run away from your wife and children? To hide in a beach bathroom of all places. Don’t you know how badly they smell?” And I would say you’re right, dear reader, those bathrooms do reek of something different than others. Even porta-potties baking in the middle of the desert don’t quite reach the unique stench of the beach. So to address your concerns: no, reader, I was not going to spend any more time than I had to in that bathroom. Making sure my family was out of sight, I began stripping off my clothes as I entered into that godforsaken malodorous hovel.

As I stopped to take off my underwear, I looked into the bathroom and glimpsed myself for a second. And my god, what a sight I was to behold. Truly, words can’t describe the awe my form imposes on others. The only way I know how to describe the sight is through an example: remember your first time seeing Michelangelo’s David? Almost perfect arms, well-chiseled abs, a hairline to kill for. Now, imagine a young man seeing that piece of art and working his entire life to replicate that physique, spending years to craft himself. Will he ever truly be better than the art? Most likely not, but he can get close. And so, just like that boy is to David, David is to me. He can get close, but what I was witnessing in the mirror right now: THIS was perfection.

Anyway, I took off my underwear and looked at myself in the mirror again. God, even just remembering it now…

What was I talking about? Right, right. The pure muscle, the form-fitting outfit, the hair. Everything that was needed to save Earth was prepared. It was time to fight some conceptual level evil.

Performing my first heroic act of the day, I kicked the door to the bathroom straight off its hinges and walked out into the open, staring down The Calm King, The End of All, The God of the Abyss, Abyssion, and his cold, nothingness of an eye. It seemed as if the monster had taken notice of me and was leering directly through my eyes to my soul itself, which honestly I can’t blame him for—did you see me in that mirror?

Squatting deep towards the ground, I prepared to make the jump into space. It was going to be a tough fight, but someone was going to have to do it. From my right, I heard my son gasp at the sight of me. I turned to him and gave him my best dashing smile, then gave him a little salute and a wink before pushing my legs against the concrete and propelling myself where no man dared to go: straight into the jaws of demise.

As the day faded into night, I could hear with my supersonic hearing a tidbit of conversation between my wife and daughter, “Oh my god, Mom, it’s Professor Wonderful! How is he always there to protect us?” (I daylight as a professor as well—I am very intelligent). “Honey, Professor Wonderful will always look after you and your brother. You two are the most special people in the world.”

I shed a tear thinking about just how beautiful my family was. The tear quickly evaporated as the heat of the air resistance burned it away from my well-tanned, perfectly chiseled face.

Upon entering the thermosphere, I grabbed the first thing I could to stop my ascent, which just so happened to be the International Space Station. I had never gotten to see it in person, but the craftsmanship was really something marvelous, perfect for grabbing onto as well. I was later told I had done “irreparable damage” to the craft, but what can I say, there’s no price too high on saving the world.

Pushing off the craft, I landed onto a meteor orbiting the beast. Being this close to the Eye made it stretch almost infinitely to me, like standing in the desert and being able to see both horizons. It was time to conquer this evil. Facing the beast, I pulled my glove tight and prepared for another fight to save humanity.

But before I could, a noise from behind me pulled my attention. I tilted my head back over my glove to see the worst-case scenario standing behind me.

“Doctor Malus,” I said, in the vacuum of space (another one for NASA). It all made sense now, “What brings you here this Saturday?”

The doctor responded, also quite clearly, “Professor Wonderful, I don’t know why you call me that still. Regardless, I had hoped I would find you here.” He was dressed to the nines, plague mask adorned, and various chemical contraptions strapped all over his body. If I could have seen his face, I’m sure he would’ve been grinning.

I snorted out a laugh, which is almost impossible to do when sound can’t travel because, again, we were in space. “Of course you wanted me here. I’m sure you orchestrated this meeting so you could finally bring me down. I knew you wanted me dead, but to summon this thing to Earth to get to me, that’s a new low for you, doctor,” I felt a raging power course through my bones as I thought of my next move. Taking on these two would be tough, but not impossible for Professor Wonderful.

The doctor cocked his mask and shook his head, “No, Professor, you misunderstand me. I’m here to help.”

“What?”

“I don’t know what this thing is, but clearly it poses a threat to Earth. I’m here to help! Just tell me what to do.”

I was shocked. He was… here to help me? I couldn’t even process the thought. Still, when I think about it, I can’t believe it. Me? Need help? How could someone even conceive of it? I’m Professor Wonderful!

“I concocted a sort of alchemical existence potion that should cancel it out if we can get cl—” he started rambling as he walked casually towards my side. And that’s when I felt it. My knees weakened as the weight of everything pressed down upon me. Malus’ words faded, not because we were in space, where sound can’t actually travel, but because my power was fading. I had to act fast.

“Hold! You devilish cretin!” I yelled with my little remaining strength. Malus froze in his tracks, clearly concerned, “Wonderful? Are you okay?”

“So you’ve finally done it, huh?” I coughed on my knees and looked up at that evil man. “You’ve finally found my weakness.”

“What are you talking about?” The evil doctor said, lying through his despicably clean teeth, “What weakness?”

“You pretend like you don’t know, yet here you are helping the beast.”

“I’m here to help you, Wonderful!”

“Exactly! My one weakness…”

“Me… helping you?”

“Pretend all you must, you conniving fiend,” I said, bravely. “We both know that if you were to reveal your true intentions of evil, you would betray your true intentions, thus restoring my powers.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” The doctor yelled. “So wait, you’re telling me this entire time, 20 years now was it? THAT’s been your weakness? The concoctions I crafted, the potions I brewed, and you’re telling me being your friend was all it took?”

My eyes watered under the unfamiliar pressure of space; without my power, it was all I could do to withstand it unaided, “I hope they give you an Emmy when you get back down to Earth,” I managed to squeak out, letting out a meager, sickly cough right after.

Malus rushed over to me and grabbed me by my skin-tight suit, picking me up to eye level, “The one time we actually align on something, and you’re telling me you can’t work with me? You truly are the worst, most despicable hero to ever exist,” he said, the rage in his voice overflowing into his shaking hands. Holding me with his left hand, he pulled back his right hand and slapped me, “I should’ve known better than to help you, Wonderful, you self-obsessed piece of trash.” Each time he insulted me, he hit me with an alternating slap and backslap.

Despite his years of residency and long hours, the doctor was actually quite strong. But as he continued hitting me, I noticed the blows dampen. The titanic aura of pressure around me also began to fade. With each strike, I could feel myself perking up like a near-dead plant being watered for the first time in weeks. With a sudden move, I moved my previously limp hand to grab his before it hit my face.

Malus cried out in surprise. “What? Now your powers are BACK? WHAT?”

I smiled. My arch-nemesis AND this creature of the Abyss. This would be a fun Saturday.